It had been two days and there was no sign of it happening, it was THE DAY my calendar said …cause I had planned it all but not planned how I would feel in that moment. Who I would become in that last few hours…I was becoming a Mother.
The swiveling red taxi going up the hill, the nagging feeling that I would be delivering in the car like they show in the movies as we were in middle of a typhoon. I remember the broken trees, the traffic jam, the app I used to plan every day of my pregnancy and that view, yes I remember every minute of it all. Cause my whole body was alive, alive with pain.
Watching rolling hills in beautiful rain from my room in maternity ward, I woke up from this waking dream due to a scream coming out of my mouth as another wave of contractions begin and I yet again floated out of my body to watch myself go through this as I had been doing for last two days.
“Why aren’t you on epidural, you won’t feel a thing”, asked the helpful nurse who I credit for seeing me through the birth of my child.
I thought to myself but what if I want to feel it all…that’s why I did this…who has kids who doesn’t want to feel it all. Cause it’s like wearing your heart outside your body as they say. Ofcourse the real me took the epi at final stages …even though it was from a leather pants adorned disco Dancer just been pulled out of his Saturday merriment but that’s a separate story to tell.
I still don’t understand this concept that we are developing I know that I am…of living on an epidural. Like I asked myself, I always get hurt in my relationships how do I avoid that. Being hurt and being in relationships goes hand to hand. Giving birth and screaming our head off goes hand in hand. Having a parent love you all your life and they suddenly going away and taking a part of you with them goes hand in hand. We are born to turn to ashes and so are our hearts and it’s a tough muscle our heart. But every muscle needs exercise not protection. You don’t put your six packs in a cage or freezer do you. It’s gotto be stretched and pulled and abused to get there, to be in the shape of its life. Why am I so scared to stretch my heart
Take an epidural and you won’t feel a thing…but I would be paralysed for that moment…that moment for which I did all this, to see God’s work. What if I could feel it all but I had a hand to hold or a shoulder to bank on…that could make it easy. One of this relationships that do work out could make it all worth it.
But we get those hands after being hurt a lot. It’s a cycle, you can’t expect to go through fire without getting burned a bit, you can’t go through life without being bruised a lot. It’s the cycle of life, you die a little to give birth to someone, you die some more to grow that person with someone. But that’s the someone because of which you don’t want to live life feeling nothing on an epidural.
How about we become ok to feel it all… cause being scared of the pain is paralysing our living, it has kept me away from many experiences in my life that I know. We stay in same jobs, in same relationships, in inertia to some extend physically emotionally to avoid the pain.
That’s not a life, a life without pain is a life not well lived…thought I would share what I was telling myself today.
Love & light 💫